Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 15, 2018
Note: I’m sorry, but if your emotional-support T-Rex doesn’t stop eating our guests, you’re going to have to take it outside. Go ahead and sue, but I think we’re on solid ground here. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Weeks ’til the Netroots Nation convention in New Orleans: 23
Days ’til the Old Island Days Art Festival in Key West: 9
Current one-year turnover rate of the White House staff, according to The New York Times: 34%
Number of firearms manufactured in America in 2016, up from four million a decade ago: 11 million
Maximum occurrence of election fraud via voter impersonation, according to the Brennan Center for Justice: .0025%
Diameter of the first U.S. quarter in 1796: 27.5 mm
Current diameter of a U.S. quarter (since 1965): 24.3 mm
Current U.S. Olympic Medal Count
Gold: 5 Silver: 1 Bronze: 2
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
What was so scary about Howard Dean?
Could it be because he (and some very bright young people who worked with him) found this way to raise real money in small amounts from regular people, and that just threatened the hell out of a lot of big corporate special interests? And out of an entire political establishment that is entirely too comfortable with the incestuous relationship between big money and politics? For just a moment in time, Dean was ahead of the pack — and no one owned him. Go back and look at whom that scared.
I think we owe Howard Dean more than a, “Gee thanks for participating in our noble political system.” Personally, I’d like to say, “Gee, thanks for helping keep democracy alive when it looked fairly dicey.”
Puppy Pic of the Day: And the Westminster champ for 2018 is…..
CHEERS to another GOP canary in the midterm-election coal mine. Woohoo!!! This is getting to be a healthy habit: another Democrat has seized control of a swath of red-state America via a free and fair election. And in this case it’s not just a good thing, it’s a Good thing:
On Tuesday evening,candidate Margaret Good won a special election for state representative in southwest Florida’s House District 72, becoming the 36th flip for the Democratic Party since President Donald Trump took office last year.
Bonus: Margaret Good also loves dogs.
Good trounced Libertarian Alison Foxall and GOP hopeful James Buchanan, the son of Congressman Vern Buchanan who represents the area where the city of Sarasota sits. The Democrat won by a margin of almost 8 points and more than 3,000 votes—in the same district Trump clinched during the 2016 presidential elections by 5 points, according to The Daily Beast.
You can learn more about Margaret Good at her campaign site here. Up next: the special election in Pennsylvania’s 18th district—an opportunity for pickup #37 in Trump country—that could send 33-year-old Democratic go-getter Conor Lamb into the halls of Congress. I don’t want to say I like our chances, but the GOP canaries just drew straws to see which one has to go into that mine, and the loser is off in a corner quietly writing his will.
P.S. Speaking of loser Republicans, some guy named George David Banks got booted yesterday from the Trump administration after learning he couldn’t get a security clearance. For those of you keeping score, I believe this is senior White House official #41 to be banished to the Island of Misfit Very Best People.
JEERS to the fake news fakes. Last month Maine’s executive director of the White Russia Putin (formerly Republican) Party got busted for posting content at an anonymous blog created to generate phony stories on Democrats. (The ensuing media glare also revealed that he’s a tax dodger—oops!) Now we learn that a similar situation has arisen in the Dry Heat State of Arizona, where a woman who wants to replace outgoing senator Jeff Flake is finding herself in dry hot water:
It looked as if Arizona Senate candidate Kelli Ward had scored a big endorsement: On Oct. 28, she posted a link on her campaign website and blasted out a Facebook post, quoting extensively from a column in the Arizona Monitor.
Even Republicans call her “Chemtrail Kelli.” (Psst! Cuz she’s a little nutty.)
There was just one problem: Despite its reputable sounding name, the Arizona Monitor is not a real news site. It is an anonymous, pro-Ward blog that has referred to her primary opponent Martha McSally as “Shifty McSally,” frequently blasted Flake and, at the top of its home page, proclaims its mission as “Striking Fear into the Heart of the Establishment.”
[I]ts domain registration is hidden, masking the identity of its owner. On its Facebook page, it is classified as a news site, but scant other information is offered.
Ward said through a cloud of pants smoke that she has no idea who’s behind the monitor. If she ends up being the GOP candidate this year (the primary is in August), I like our chances of a Democratic pickup for one very good reason: she’s got the endorsement of Steve Bannon.
JEERS to incivility. On this date in 1798, the House of Representatives was the site of the first congressional brawl, when much knocking of noggins occurred after a hurling of insults followed by Rep. Matthew Lyon (Democratic-Republican-VT) spitting in the face of Roger Griswold (Federalist-CT). Among the weapons that were wielded: fireplace tongs. Based on his expression, the guy recording the minutes just got tonged in the crotch…
And if you look in the lower left corner, you’ll see a dog is present in the chamber. That would be Thaddeus T. Woofington from the great state of New York. He only lasted one term. Once he got tax cuts for the Wilson company passed, he spent the rest of his life in a cushy job at a pro-tennis-ball think tank.
JEERS to revealing your inner crud. Lord Dampnut’s White House budget was unveiled this week, followed by the usual chorus of everybody calling it “dead on arrival.” And, indeed, the odds of it passing are about the same as catching Stephen Miller making eye contact with a Jew. But Joe Biden famously said, “Don’t tell me what you value. Show me your budget and I’ll tell you what you value.” So let’s take a brief moment to check out Trump values:
<> Slashes money to help manufacturing communities
<> Eliminates the Economic Development Administration
<> So many bombs and other instruments of war will be bought that every American citizen will be required to store at least three nukes in their basement
<> 40% cut in non-defense spending
<> Fuck the student loan program
“Protect workers rights, ha ha ha, that’s so cute,” says Trump’s budget.
<> Fuck Head Start, too
<> Deficits don’t matter again. Not until the next Democratic president, anyway.
<> Turns ownership of the Space Station over to Leroy Pudhopper of Ames, Iowa, who won the Win This Space Station contest at the last state Republican convention. Pudhopper says he plans to make the astronauts pay for their own oxygen. But not the Russian astronauts, because they seem so darn friendly.
<> Offers nothing for the defense of the environment. (Sorry, future generations, but you’re getting a Mad Max world for Christmas.)
<> No more home heating assistance. That’s cold.
<> Unlimited resources for ICE, America’s #1 Gestapo.
<> On the bright side, if you don’t require oxygen, water, food, money or a roof over your head to survive, you’ll hardly notice any changes.
So, class, what can we now deduce that Trump values most? If you said Trump, give yourself a gold star. While you still can, because his budget also eliminates gold stars.
CHEERS Olympic fevuh. Speaking of gold, I just want to slip this into the C&J archive, filed under “I could do that if I felt like it, man. I just, y’know, don’t feel like doing it. But I could totally do it. If I felt like it. Which I don’t.”
We’ll also file a copy under “Coming to a Wheaties box near you.” Meanwhile, before we get too far along in the games, I need to trot out this fearless prediction: before the Winter Olympics end, the official mascot—Soohorang—will be accused by Pat Robertson, James Dobson or Tony Perkins (or all three in a joint statement) of being tools of Satan and/or gay recruiters who are going after your children. Trust me on this.
CHEERS to the world’s most famous Bug. It sucks that such an enduring icon has to be associated with a genocidal maniac, but what can ya do? It was 82 years ago today that Adolf Hitler announced the introduction of the Volkswagen (German for “Grind it ’til ya find it”). It was small and noisy, but if its battery died you could roll it down the street to get it goin’ again. Or as my friends call it: me after the bars close on Saturday night.
Ten years ago in C&J: February 15, 2008
JEERS to the big bite. Yesterday I paid my taxes, and I couldn’t help but feel all warm and fuzzy knowing that the lion’s share was going to the Pentagon, Halliburton, Blackwater, China, India, Iraqi warlords and Dick Cheney’s salary. But that $3 election fund? I know government waste when I see it. Donation denied.
And just one more…
CHEERS? JEERS? Let’s just say TBA. I won’t go so far as to say my fingernails are bitten down to the cuticle, but we are a little on edge this morning. Last week Mercy Hospital’s imaging department had the privilege of putting me through a CAT scan and getting a good look at my candy-corn-encrusted innards. Tuesday a Mercy blood lab tech drained several vials of 10W-BILLY from my veins. My ACA insurance covered both tests. (Thanks, Obama!)
My chemo packs from last June.
Later today I’ll meet with my oncologist. She’ll go over the results and then tell me if the colon cancer we kicked to the curb last spring with surgery and chemo has decided to return for an encore. If it hasn’t, I’ll immediately start training for the 2022 Olympic skating team so I can qualify to hang out with Adam Rippon. If it has, I’ll start preparing for more chemo while filling out my Make-A-Wish application to get a visit from Adam Rippon. That’s called hoping for the best but preparing for also the best. (If Adam’s not available, I’ll settle for Yoda.) Please don’t send me your positive vibes, I’ll be just fine. Send them instead to Tom Brady. He’s really hurting on the inside.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Christian Desgroux is awaiting his fate after being indicted for impersonating Bill in Portland Maine because he reportedly wanted to impress a woman.