Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 13, 2018
Note: It’s Friday the 13th. What’s up with the hockey mask, Mother?
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the Nov. 6 midterm elections: 116
Days ’til the Gilroy Garlic Festival in California: 14
Percent of Americans, including 81% of Democrats, 70% of independents and even 41 percent of Republicans, who want a woman’s right to abortion services preserved, according to a new Gallup poll: 64%
Percent who want Roe v. Wade overturned: 28%
Percent tariff on U.S. pecans imposed by China because of Trump, which really f*cked up National Pecan Day this week: 47%
Percent of U.S. voters in a Washington Post poll who support a path to legal status for undocumented immigrants living in the U.S. who pass a background check: 81%
Percent chance that the technical name for your butt crack is “intergluteal cleft”: 100%
Percent chance that the technical name for Donald Trump’s butt crack is “intergluteal lard canyon”: 100%
Puppy Pic of the Day: In Illinois, a totally puppy-rrific Eagle Scout service project….
CHEERS to Quick-draw McStrzok. Wild day yesterday during the joint House Oversight and Judicial Committee hearings, where Republicans threw every wrench they could find at FBI agent Peter Strzok, who was pulled off the Mueller investigation for “the appearance of bias” because he exchanged some personal anti-Trump text messages with another agent. Strzok threw those wrenches right back, hour after hour and with better aim, until the Republicans, sweaty and bruised, gave up and went home. Here’s a sample:
Nothing was solved, but I do know two things. 1) Like Hillary’s Benghazi hearings, Republicans accomplished nothing but making themselves look like fools. And 2) crossword designers are now furiously working “Strzok” into their puzzles. (“Honey! What’s a six-letter word for ‘G-man who ate Trey Gowdy’s lunch’?”)
JEERS to petty politicians. (Sorry, is that redundant?) Forty-six years ago today, the late George McGovern became the Democratic presidential nominee at the convention in Miami Beach. A while back some secret Nixon tapes were released, revealing #37 as that rare breed of paranoid (not unlike Trump)—the sore winner:
Several hours after the election, after 1:00 am, when vote totals are known, Henry Kissinger calls Nixon to congratulate him on the landslide victory: “It’s an extraordinary tribute,” he said. […] Then they go after the loser, George McGovern:Heckuva job, American voters. You idiots.
Nixon: “You know this fellow, to the last, was a prick. Did you see his concession statement?” […] Nixon says speechwriter Ray Price urged him to send McGovern a message that he looks forward to working with him and his supporters for peace in the years ahead.
Nixon: “And I just said hell no, I’m not gonna send him that sort of wire.
I’ll say this. Dick sure knew how to live up to his name.
P.S. They say only the good die young. Henry Kissinger is 327.
JEERS to clumsy marketing moves. House Republicans are staring down the barrel of a huge defeat in the midterms on Tuesday, November 6th. They know full well that they’ve got to bring their A-game to the table and use every ounce of messaging magic to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. With that in mind, on Wednesday they unveiled their new official slogan: “Better Off Now!” Not better health care or better retirement security. Not better immigration policy or a better economy. No, they settled on better this:
Wow. Some actual truth in advertising. It’s nice to see the Republican party finally admitting to the world that they’re repellent.
CHEERS to 20/20 foresight. On Sunday’s date in 1948, President Harry Truman accepted the nomination for another term at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia with these prescient words: “We are now the defenders of the stronghold of democracy and of equal opportunity—the haven of the ordinary people of this land and not of the favored classes or the powerful few.” Well, it was nice while it lasted.
JEERS to the Kinkystone Kops. In Columbus, Ohio, a nightclub featuring the debut of Stormy Daniels—one of the biggest threats to the Trump presidency, no joke—was raided as an act of political intimidation and the porn star was arrested for unlawful epidermis-to-epidermis contact. Because I work my “People Magazine’s Sexiest Bubblebutt” off to bring you the full scoop, C&J has obtained an exclusive transcript of the moment it went down…
“I’m shocked, SHOCKED to find touching going on in this strip club! Round up the usual suspects!”
“Are you ready for your lap dance, inspector?”
“Yes. Booth number three as usual. Now get these immoral hedonists out of my sight.”
Daniels was released and the charges were dropped because it turns out Inspector Groper arrested her on false charges. Even Barney Fife is rolling his eyes.
CHEERS to getting mad as hell and not taking it anymore. Sacre Bleu! Tomorrow is Bastille Day, commemorating the important lesson the French learned 229 years ago, but which we Americans still haven’t: it is better for the government to fear the people than it is for the people to fear the government.
Revolutionaries tromping through your bastille and setting it on fire? Call Merry Maids!
Thus the French get a couple months of vacation, shorter work hours, universal health care, sick time, and a fresh beret every three months, and we get to work ourselves to the bone for zero vacation days, zero sick time, and the honor of having to defend meager and perpetually “on the table for cuts” social programs that barely keep us out of poverty—please, please try to contain your enthusiasm.
Tomorrow morning we plan to wake up at the crack of dawn, prop a ladder up on our neighbor’s bedroom window sill, storm in without a word, grab a pair of their underwear and send it up the flagpole on top of our roof. Because this is America, and we refuse to break our daily routine just because it’s Bastille Day.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Nothing much on the tube this weekend unless you’re randomly flicking around and you stumble on something you like. But here are a few things that caught our eye. Tonight on ABC’s What Would You Do?, bystanders are filmed reacting when a store customer (actor) is racially profiled by the owner (also an actor). No Rachel Maddow tonight because Richard Engel is broadcasting a special “On Assignment” piece on, I believe, Trump’s Britain visit.
And tonight on the Matador Channel: matadors!!!
New home video releases include John Krasinski’s mega-hit A Quiet Place and the Criterion release of Bull Durham. The baseball schedule is here. (The Red Sox 10-game winning streak continues when they face the Blue Jays because, c’mon, small birds can’t pick up a bat…jeez.) The Wimbledon finals (Go, Serena!) are on ESPN. If you missed the terrific Billie Jean King (Emma Stone) vs. Bobby Riggs (Steve Carell) biopic Battle of the Sexes, it premieres tomorrow night at 8 on HBO. On 60 Minutes: an expose on the effort to tear down traitor monuments to the Confederacy, and progress in the seaweed farming industry. And then Sunday night via Showtime, you can watch episode 1 of Sasha Baron Cohen’s new let’s-punk-the-conservatives series Who is America? Spoiler alert: the snowflakes on the right are gonna melt.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA. Wild guess: Live Helsinki coverage.
This Week: Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT); John Bolton. [Puts index fingers to temples] My ESP also sees live Helsinki coverage in the future.
Face the Nation: TBA. [Deals a dozen Tarot cards onto table] You vill be cursed by live Helsinki coverage! May god have mercy on your soul.
CNN’s State of the Union: Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); Sens. Rand Paul (R-KY) and Mark Warner (D-VA); [Waves hands over crystal ball] Yup—live Helsinki coverage comin’ yo way.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Live coverage from Helsinki (really!) with various irrelevant pundits and all their Murdoch-approved talking points all lined up in a row.
Ten years ago in C&J: July 13, 2008
JEERS to a rough start. The new iPhone went on sale today and there seems to have been some sort of misunderstanding. Apparently customers were unaware that “3g” stands for three times more glitches. But they stayed in line anyway once they heard the new model comes with a retractable gas-tank siphon.
And just one more…
CHEERS to angels playing with beach balls. The Emmy nominations for excellence in TV-makin’ skills were announced yesterday. Comedy reboots Roseanne and Will and Grace were mostly limited to one supporting actress nod each (Laurie Metcalf and Megan Mullally), but Larry David’s dusted-off Curb Your Enthusiasm raked in a bunch. A few other notables:
> Samantha Bee’s Full Frontal and John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight snagged nods for writing and directing, plus several technical awards. Bee’s Puerto Rico special was also singled out.
“Wheeeee! I caught it!”
> Full Frontal, Last Week Tonight, Jimmy Kimmel, The Daily Show and Stephen Colbert’s Late Show—all of whom contributed some of the best political humor and, specifically, cut-to-the-bone Trump mockery, got nods for Best Variety Talk Series
> Sarah Silverman scored with her series I Love You, America, as did WHCD headliner Michelle Wolf for her Nice Lady HBO special
> Sandra Oh is the first woman of Asian descent to be nominated for a Lead Actress (Killing Eve)
> SNL’s longest-tenured cast member Kenan Thompson finally got a nomination
> Approximately a gazillion more black people were nominated for Emmys than were for this year’s Oscars
> Bittersweet recognition for Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown, which got several nominations
> NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory: Cassini’s Grand Finale was nominated for Original Interactive Program
You can check out the major categories here. In terms of the music categories, I gotta put all my chips on Chance the Rapper and Eli Brueggemann (with an assist by the aforementioned Kenan Thompson) for their perfect “Come Back Barack,” especially in light of his #1 standing among Americans in Pew’s latest “Best president of my lifetime” poll. Enjoy…
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?