Cheers and Jeers for Monday, March 4, 2019
Note: Just in from the Eyewitness News desk! Our current sitting president is still all the bad adjectives. Film at 11.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Daylight Saving Time: 6
Days ’til Cherry Blossom Week in San Diego: 14
Drop in consumer spending in December, the biggest decline in nine years: 0.5%
Size of Maine‘s 2018 lobster catch: 120 million pounds
Value of the catch: $484 million
Percent chance that Joseph Stalin loved American hamburgers so much that he ordered his food supply commissar to come up with a Russian rip-off of it (“Kotleti”), according to The Washington Post: 100%
Number of ice runways in the lower 48 states approved by the FAA, according to the Alton Bay NH Seaplane Base Facebook page: 1
Totally Random Major League Baseball Score
Puppy Pic of the Day: Puppy beard
CHEERS to famous firsts. We don’t blame you if you weren’t awake at three in the morning on Saturday. But if you were, it’s likely because you were glued to a livestream of an historic rocket launch, courtesy of the glorious nerds at NASA and SpaceX. The all-American “Crew Dragon” pod, which will soon replace Russia‘s Soyuzes as our primary means of sending astronauts to the International Space Station (and beyond), successfully blasted off for the heavens in a blaze of rocket’s-yellow-glare glory. (And, as an added bonus, its stage-1 rocket booster made a perfect descent onto its landing pad.) Here, enjoy some complimentary goosebumps…
There were no actual astronauts on this journey, but there was a dummy on board. And lemme tell ya, when the sleeping pills wore off, Louie Gohmert was not happy.
CHEERS to hittin’ the books again. Back to class, ya little Oakland, California rugrats. Your teachers are back on the job today and they’ll be in a good mood, so don’t piss ’em off:
Teachers in Oakland, California have reached a tentative deal after seven-day strike, securing salary increases and a pledge from administrators that some two dozen schools set to close will remain open.
Victory in Oakland.
“This is a historic contract with a win in every major proposal we made, that moves us toward a win for the schools Oakland students deserve,” the Oakland Education Association said in a statement on Friday. “You united the community behind the fight for public education in Oakland and YOU WON.” Thousands of educators went on strike late last month, calling for a greater investment in schools. The teachers’ union had been working without a contract since July 2017.
A nice little trend shaping up here on planet USA: when teachers push back against management, they win. That’ll teach em.
JEERS to dumpster fire as usual. CPAC, the annual gathering of D.C.-hating conservative swamp dwellers who always meet at and pump tons of money into D.C. while railing against swamp dwellers, wrapped up Saturday. Here’s a brief recap of some of the grown-up activities on display from America‘s family-values “daddy party”:
>> Michelle Malkin shook her fist and condemned the ghost of John McCain.
>> Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) was issued a subpoena. I’m not sure if it’s for possession of child porn, murder, or something else. I should probably check that.
>> As usual, every speaker exploded in rage over what a hopeless cesspool America is…and then closed their speeches with “God bless this exceptional nation of ours.”
>> Grindr almost melted down from all the M4M action after sundown:Pence, ya think?
>> There were chants of “Lock her up!” Which briefly made Ivanka break out in a cold sweat until she realized they’re still referring to Hillary.
>> Donald Trump, treating his minions to The Full Mussolini for two-plus hours, got up on stage under the hot lights and his face started melting like that Nazi villain at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Nobody there noticed.
>> The convention tried to keep out the real crazies. Access was strictly limited to just the garden-variety crazies through the use of special twitch detectors.
Also as usual: the majority of the little pink plastic anti-abortion fetuses that were handed out in everyone’s swag bag ended up being tossed in the trash…without a hint of metaphoric self-awareness.
CHEERS to the land of milk and hippies. Happy birthday to our commune-dwelling New England sibling Vermont!!! You became our 14th state on today’s date in 1791.
The official seal of Vermont.
Besides Ben and Jerry, Senator Bernie Sanders (more on him below), Senator Patrick Leahy and a nuclear power plant that makes me nervous, Vermont—aka “The Green Mountain State”—is home to Howard Dean, who became the first governor to pass civil unions for same-sex couples and exclaimed, “YOU have the power!” It’s also the birthplace of tractor dude John Deere, Brigham Young, Rudy Vallee, the 21st president Chester Arthur and the 30th president Calvin Coolidge, who slept ten hours a day and once murmured, “When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results.” Wow…no wonder Republicans are always thought of as being smarter on the economy.
JEERS to the return of Big Mouth. Here in Maine, as in other states, we’re entertaining proposals to neuter the outdated and undemocratic electoral college—a (say it with me) relic of slavery—that too-frequently allows worst-presidents-in-history to get elected with far fewer votes (e.g. 500k in 2000, 2.8 million in 2016) than their opponents. And right on cue, up pops our former governor, teabagger Paul LePage, to confirm what we knew during his tenure: he’s freaking racist as shit. His exact words in reaction to the way everyone else in the world conducts their elections: “Actually what would happen if they do what they say they’re gonna do is white people will not have anything to say.” Yeah, right. If it’s one thing we’ll never have a problem with in this country, it’s getting white people to shut up. Exhibit A: Paul LePage.
CHEERS to walking into a hornet’s nest. Man, talk about hitting the ground running. On March 4, 1861, Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated. And on March 4, 1933, Franklin Roosevelt was inaugurated. Lincoln led the country through our nightmarish Civil War. FDR led the country through our nightmarish Great Depression and nightmarisher World War II. Meanwhile, the current Republican president claims he—and this is a direct quote—“had the most successful first two years of any president.” Why do I bring him into it? Because it’s my job to make you laugh.
Ten years ago in C&J: March 4, 2009
CHEERS to the changing of the tacky Ts. During our vacation in Key West, Michael and I noticed a distinct difference in the offerings at the many T-shirt shops on Duval Street. Bush was always a popular target in their window displays. (Examples: “Like a rock. Only dumber.” “Somewhere in Texas a village is missing its idiot.”) So we were curious how Obama would be immortalized in the world of S, M, L, XL, XXL and XXL. A sample of what we saw:
“Barack Is My Homeboy”
“Dreams Do Come True”
[Obama at his desk] “Everyone Chill the Fuck Out! I GOT THIS!”
“Our 8 Year Nightmare Is Over”
[Obama’s face:] HOPE [Bush’s face:] DOPE
“That’s MISTER President of the United States to You!”
“The President of the United States—Now With 20% More Funk”
Bill Blass, eat yer heart out.
And just one more…
CHEERS to more happy headwear landing in the 2020 ring. C&J officially welcomes the latest candidates to enter the Democratic primary race:
Gov. Jay Inslee
Hails from: Washington
Age on inauguration day 2021: 70
Primary campaign promise: “A Just, Innovative and Inclusive Clean Energy Economy.”
Official website: JayInslee.com
Can tie a cherry stem with his tongue? Yes.
Worst enemy: fossil fuel industry
Baby-kissing ability, based on latest reviews on Toddler Yelp: 7.8/10
Sen. Bernie Sanders
Hails from: Vermont
Age on inauguration day 2021: 79
Primary campaign promise: “College for all. Medicare for all. Jobs for all. Justice for all.”
Official website: BernieSanders.com
Can tie a cherry stem with his tongue? Yes.
Worst enemy: Millionaires and billionaires
Baby-kissing ability, based on latest reviews on Toddler Yelp: 8.2/10
They join Kamala, Pete, Corey, Elizabeth, Tulsi, Julian, John, Andrew, Kirsten, and Amy (And now John) in their quest to be #46. I don’t know who’s happier to see them enter the race, their supporters or ACME Debate Stage Lecterns, LLC.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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